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Honesty Assignment

© Penny R. Tupy 2004

The Honesty Assignment is to make six honest statements about how you feel regarding some aspect of your life together to your spouse each day.

Honesty is only about you and for the most part about what you feel, as opposed to what you think. We can argue that we are honest about our opinions when we choose to share them, but they are still opinions which are negotiable. Your feelings are non negotiable, they are yours and they are completely valid.

The format for making those statements is to say, "I feel <insert word from list> about/when <insert action/choice/event/behavior>." Start with little things, really really little things. The glass left in the living room, the socks on the floor - nothing huge the first couple of weeks. The idea is to get your mouth to say that sentence. You can also practice on your kids and your pets - I talk to my cats all the time. "I'm so irritated that you guys drop your food on the floor." Of course, the beauty of pets is that they don't argue, and they don't get defensive.

Also the statements you make need to be in the present or the very near past. So it can't be about your spouse watching sports tv while you were in labor, or spending too much time on the phone with her mom the first year you were married ~ 30 years ago! None of that is something which can be addressed now. Nothing more than seven days old is a good rule to follow. And be sure to throw in some positive ones as well; two a day is a great place to start.

Remembering to do this will be difficult at first. Find a way to remind yourself, a cryptic note on the refrigerator or mirror, or some other method that will work for you.

If your spouse gets defensive and snarly - a very normal human reaction - avoid engaging in an argument. S/he might accuse you of being controlling or telling him/her what to do. Just tell him/her that you aren't telling him/her to do anything you just want him/her to know how you feel.

Honest statements about how you feel are NOT about your spouse. They are not a way to call attention to your spouse's supposed failings or to insist that s/he do something differently. They are simply an informational vehicle for letting your mate know your internal reaction to what is going on in your life. They are not meant to effect change other than to increase awareness of each other's feelings and to calm down a conflicted and chaotic environment.

Giving this information is difficult, as we talked about. Hearing it is more so. Make sure that if you are the one on the receiving side of this assignment you are ready to take a deep breath and take in what you are hearing calmly and with courtesy. If you can muster nothing more than a, "Thank you for telling me that," it's perfectly alright. If all you can do safely is grunt and walk away at first ~ so be it, but avoid arguing at all costs. And no opinions!!

If for some reason the person on the receiving end is having a bad day, gets really bent out of shape and defensive over what you have told them, don't engage in an argument. Simply say, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you or tell you what to do, I just want you to know how I feel." Take a time out if you need to ~ and yes it is ok to just walk away if things get heated. In fact, it's more than ok, it's required.

These statements, unlike being demanding or rude or losing your temper feel very neutral or even less than neutral. Flat. It will feel to the one saying them that they have taken a step backwards in getting what they want and need in the marriage. There is no "oomph" of force behind them. Don't be misled. These few words are very powerful ~ this assignment is the cornerstone of change in marriage. If it feels powerless and vulnerable, you're probably doing it right. This is the key that unlocks the door to all the changes that need to occur. Once couples can give and receive this information safely, the path to exploration, negotiation and the creation of a mutually joyous and fulfilling marriage opens to them. This, along with protection when needed, is where we start.

In addition to making statements about how you feel regarding actions/choices in the present, you are also to avoid giving negative opinions ~ unless they are specifically asked for. No opinions about why your spouse might be tired, why the pot boiled over, why one of you is late for an appointment, and none about the people around you. Opinions in the positive are welcomed and encouraged ~ they are the stuff of admiration.

To help you distinguished between opinions and feelings see the list of feeling words.