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Questions to Ask Before You Hire a Marriage Counselor or Coach

© Penny R. Tupy 2003

Most of us love a good horror story, but not when it’s about the professional you hired to help you save your marriage - only to find that he or she is advocating divorce. Or worse. Before I tell you some of the questions you should be asking, let me tell you some things I’ve heard from clients (along with a few sarcastic comments of my own). Tell these around the campfire and no advocate of marriage would be able to sleep.

The therapist who told a couple on the second visit that they were not meant to be together and that they should seek a divorce. (Wow…. You can tell that in 2 sessions? I’d like to have that crystal ball in my office…)

The therapist who knew all along about one spouse’s ongoing affair but continued to suggest to the other one that their marital problems were due to “codependency.”

The counselor who told a woman she didn’t have a problem with infidelity as long as it “worked for” her client. (I’m curious as to how cheating, lying, and destroying two families can “work for” someone.)

The counselor who suggested his client have an affair to see if it made him happy. (Yes, this really happened.)

The counselor who suggested a client file for divorce rather than confronting the spouse about her infidelity.

There are more, and I hear them every day, but I don’t want to frighten you away from reading more. I hope you can see by these few examples the very real need to ask hard questions before you trust someone with your marriage – the most important relationship in your life. Simply because someone calls him/herself a marriage coach or counselor does not mean that s/he is an advocate of marriage, making it the first priority in your sessions. Nor does it mean that s/he is skilled in the knowledge and tools needed to help you rebuild your marriage.

Here then are some of the questions you should be asking – along with the sorts of things you want to hear in reply. Feel free to add your own as they occur to you. If you have others you’d like to see added to this list I’d love to see them. Email them to me at help@saveyourmarriagecentral.com and include the words ‘Questions for Professionals’ in the subject line.

I would also suggest that you ask these questions of anyone and everyone you interview – regardless of name or reputation. This is your marriage – you cannot be too careful of whose hands you entrust it to.

First and foremost –

What is your primary goal in coaching or counseling?
If the answer to this is anything other than to help save and heal your marriage, say your thank you’s, and then make your way politely to the door.

Answers that do not state this as the primary goal lead to easily to a place of ambiguity about the marriage itself. Statements about deciding if the marriage is worth saving or about looking at the desires of the individuals and working from there do not indicate a strong commitment to …. well…… commitment.

Answers that talk about better communication skills are not necessarily out of place, but they do beg the question of what happens if that process is long, arduous, and one or both partners decides s/he is tired of it. If saving the marriage is not the primary goal then it is easy to slip into facilitating a “good divorce” (isn’t that a contradiction in terms?) rather than encouraging one or both spouses to do the hard work of healing.

What is your position on divorce and when you would recommend that a client initiate divorce proceedings?
The answer to the second half of that should be “never.” To recommend a client seek a divorce is highly unethical. This is a decision that the client must make on his or her own – after much hard work and soul searching. Only the client knows for sure when s/he is ready. For anyone else to suggest that the time is right to end the marriage is to take a stand against marriage and against commitment to the marriage vows.

Professionals can support a choice to divorce. To be of the highest ethical standing, the professional should guide the client to an understanding of whether or not s/he has done everything possible to save the marriage before offering such support.

The answer to the first part of the questions is a bit less clean cut. Divorce is a fact of life. Not every marriage can be saved. Often times, particularly in cases of infidelity, other addictions, anger, or abuse, the spouse causing the greatest damage to the marriage is not ready or willing to stop their harmful behavior and begin the process of recovery. When that happens, and the client has taken strong measures to effect change (including Protection Phase (link) ) then s/he may decide to divorce and move on. It also happens that spouses having affairs initiate divorce and there is nothing the client can do to stop the process. In those cases divorce is a tragedy.

What do you think about compatibility in marriage?
The answer you want to hear is that compatibility is built by making choices that put the marriage first and individual desires second. The idea that there is one perfect soulmate out there with whom we’ll have a stress free, happily ever after, relationship is a fantasy. Compatibility is work.

What are your thoughts on having friends outside the marriage?
Friends who complement and add to the marital bond are an asset. Friends who put down marriage or who encourage you to do things which hurt or irritate your spouse are harmful to the marriage itself. Opposite sex friends (or those of one’s sexual preference) can be risky and that needs to be spoken of openly between spouses – with guidelines in place about how those friendships are handled.

How do you define infidelity?
An emotional of physical relationship with someone of the person’s sexual preference which takes away from the intimacy and connectedness in the marriage.

What do you suggest people do about a spouse’s affair?
Anything other than being honest, confronting, and exposing display an attitude that is not first and foremost protective of the marriage. Special situations would include a history of violence where steps to ensure safety need to be discussed first.

What kind of training and experience do you have in dealing with my problem?
This might seem like a moot point – you’ve found a marriage therapist s/he obviously has training in your problem. That’s not necessarily so. What consumers don’t realize is that the marriage community, the domestic violence community, and the addiction community don’t cross pollinate all that much. If your spouse is addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex or some other process or substance you need a strong marriage advocate with a good understanding of addiction and how to address it. If your spouse is being abusive you need someone who understands the dynamics of domestic violence and who will protect the marriage at the same time s/he is protecting you.

When it comes to infidelity you’re really in a bind. There are very few who address it at all as an area of expertise, and fewer still who understand that an affair is an addiction (not a love story). So, the addiction community will have the strategies in place but won’t necessarily make the connection that infidelity is an addiction. A strong marriage advocate will see the damage to the marriage but not necessarily the need to use addiction strategies. You may need to do some educating in order to get the help you need – or you will need to find someone who understands the dual dynamics and who will work within that paradigm.

What methods do you use to effect change?
What you want to hear is a combination of talking to explore your personal contribution to the problem, external conditions that add to the problem, and then suggestions and help in changing those two dynamics. What you need is an action oriented strategy that moves you along the path from where you are now to where you want to be in your marriage.

What is your attitude towards honesty in marriage?
An answer which is anything other than advocating complete openness and honesty between partners is cause to look elsewhere for professional help. Without transparent honesty in marriage intimacy and connectedness cannot occur.

How do you define recovery in marriage?
Recovery is defined as eliminating the things which are hurtful or objectionable to either partner. Replacing those things with alternatives which make both partners happy. Learning, through honesty and strong negotiation skills, to meet each other’s marital emotional needs and creating connectedness and intimacy in the process.

What is your success rate? Is there someone I can talk to who has worked with you and would recommend your services?
Overall, the success rate for marital therapy is very low – less than 20%. The success rate for coaching hasn’t been researched, the model is very new. You should ask each person you interview about their rates of success – and how they define success. Not everyone will have clients who are willing to act as a reference, but it’s a great idea to ask.

Leaving here today, what are some things that we can begin to do immediately to make positive changes in our marriage?
Almost any proactive assignment would indicate an action oriented plan. My first choices would be a discussion about being honest with each other about how you feel regarding the small things in your life and finding ways to spend more time together as a couple. These are the building blocks upon which the balance of recovery rests.

The questions above will give you some information and some insight into the philosophies and goals of each person you interview. (And you should be interviewing!) Your strategy, if you are serious about saving your marriage, is to find someone who has the same priority and a plan for making it happen.

The effects of divorce on adults and children are finally being exposed for the tragedy they are. Researchers are finding the idea that divorce makes adults happier and that children recover easily is grossly untrue. Print out these studies : Does Divorce Make People Happy, Fact Sheet/Effects of Divorce, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, and take them with you, or have them by the phone. Ask the coach, counselor, or therapist how s/he feels about this information, and how it impacts his or her goals for couples.
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