Save Your Marriage Central logo
FastNav:
Help for Marriages in Crisis
Marriage Fidelity Day
Online Discussion Forum

February 2004 eNewsletter

Infidelity Overview

© Penny R. Tupy Marriage and Relationship Coach

Please forward this to your married and soon to be married friends and family!!

Greetings !!
Our Teleclass last month – Join the Village, All Call for Volunteers – was a wonderful success. We’ve added a Volunteer Coordinator, Sharon Stogner, who will be following up with everyone who registered and putting people to work helping couples in need. If you missed the call, some of the notes are below, and we would LOVE to have you join the Village. You can contact Sharon at volunteer@symcinc.com

This month I’ve written an Infidelity Overview that talks about the first two Phases of Infidelity Management –what to do when you suspect or discover that your mate is being unfaithful. The overview will be part of the information available at our site and on our nearly-ready-to-launch bulletin board. You get to preview it here.

I’ve hired Jan Verhoeff to oversee the site expansion. Check out her website Words to Ponder, Inc. My vision for www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com is a hub for the range of support we offer for couples in crisis. The spokes emanating from that hub are my Coaching practice, the School of Coaching, The Village Network, and the online or phone resources we offer such as the bulletin board and new Teleclasses.

I’m immersed in research and reading for the upcoming Smart Marriages Conference where I will be presenting a workshop on The Effects of Pornography in Marriage. Co-presenting with me will be Peggy Vaughn (author of the Monogamy Myth www.dearpeggy.com ) who will be discussing online affairs. For more information on the Conference, check it out here. http://smartmarriages.com

I hope this Valentine’s weekend finds you blessed with all good things,
Penny

Upcoming Teleclasses:

Support Group for Women in Protection Phase of Infidelity – Next meeting March 11, 2004, 7:30pm CT – ongoing. The group is open to all women who are separated due to a spouse’s infidelity. This group meets twice monthly to support each other during separation and no contact. The purpose of the group is to create focus and recreation outside the marriage and the struggle with the affair in a setting that is safe and marriage friendly. Free for SYMC clients. $15 for all others. See calendar for more info.

Infidelity Series – Begins April 2004. This five part series covers infidelity from Discovery to Recoverytm. Signs and Symptoms of Infidelity, Intervention Phase, Protection Phase, Reconciliation Conditions, Recovery and Healing. This class is open to all who are interested. Fee per class: $55. for SYMC clients, $65. for all others, reduced rate for the entire series. See calendar for more info.

Coming Soon – Health, Nutrition and Diet class. Watch the calendar for more info.

Infidelity Overview – Intervention and Protection Phases

© Penny R. Tupy 2004

Introduction
Infidelity is a terrible tragedy that occurs in 60 to 80% of marriages in the US. That’s staggering. As high as it is, the figure presents an element of hope when we consider that just under 50% of marriages end in divorce; a good number of marriages hit with infidelity are healed and the couples moves beyond the pain and into recovery.

Infidelity is the number one presenting cause of marital crisis (and an undiscovered cause in many more marital crises). If we can help any of the involved partners take steps to end an affair and guide the couple through recovery, we can decrease the divorce rate, preserve families, and prevent the tragic effects of divorce on the children of our planet.

Infidelity is an addiction. It’s hard to keep that in mind when our society calls infidelity “love stories,” and glamorizes the betrayal of marriage vows. Nonetheless, infidelity is every bit as much an addiction as alcohol, drugs or gambling. New research by Helen Fisher (Why We Love 2004) discusses the addictive nature of romantic love – the very drive that keeps people caught in infidelity even when they express a desire to end an affair.

Our strategies for dealing with an affair are frequently counterintuitive. I often joke that I’m going to write a book called “Infidelity: If It Feels Wrong, Do It” for that very reason. When we consider infidelity as an addiction, we apply many of the strategies that the addiction recovery programs have used successfully for years. We’ve added some things, taken out some things and tweaked a few more. Our methods draw heavily on the work of Shirley Glass, PhD., Willard Harley, PhD., and the ‘tough love’ strategies of the seventies, along with the vast resources available throughout the addiction recovery community.

The following is written primarily for the betrayed partner, who is, perhaps, in the most difficult position of any of the people tied to the affair; he or she has no direct control over the relationship at all, and yet must take action if the marriage is to be saved. The straying partner and the affair partner have the straightforward, and heartwrenching, option facing the addiction head on and ending the affair completely.

The betrayed partner, on the other hand, must take very difficult and frightening steps once an affair is suspected or has been discovered. We call the first steps the Intervention Phase of Infidelity Defense and Management. Most spouses, when faced with a partner’s unfaithfulness, make mistakes. Their reactions are normal and to be expected, but if they hope to save their marriages and keep their families together, other steps are needed. The raw emotions and instincts of this traumatic time must be put on hold, and action is taken from a place of educated, rational, intellectual thought. That’s tough for someone whose world seems to be disintegrating. Most people need professional guidance to be able to take those actions well.

Most marriages facing infidelity follow a slow slide to divorce, aided and abetted by actions based on instincts and emotions that lead the betrayed partner astray. There is no guarantee that following my suggestions will save your marriage. I can guarantee that without intervention in the instinctual course of events, the marriage is almost certainly doomed.

Intervention Phase Steps and Timing for Each:

This Phase is aptly called Intervention because that is exactly what it is. When there is an affair the betrayed partner must intervene on two completely different fronts at the same time. And the actions that must be taken seem contradictory in nature unless one keeps in mind that the goal is to end the affair – not to make the straying mate’s life calm and pleasant.

Stop arguing and shouting and blaming and punishing. Although these feel good in the moment, they are counter productive. (Clients tell me all the time why they “needed” to retaliate against a straying spouse’s actions.) If you want your spouse to end his/her affair and come home then you need to look like someone they’d like to be with. Someone who’s ranting, yelling, screaming, and crying is not attractive.
Timing: Right now! If you cannot keep your emotions under control, find an anger support group or class.

Stop other objectionable behavior. What is it that your mate has complained about during your marriage? Stop doing it. No… they don’t justify having an affair, I’m not suggesting they do. I’m saying that in the best interest of your marriage those things are coming between you and they need to end.
Timing: Immediately

Do what you can to make your spouse’s life with you calm, pleasant and friendly. Some betrayed spouses make the mistake of going overboard (flowers, gifts, begging, hovering, smothering). That’s not attractive either. Maintain your own dignity. Be courteous, be warm and friendly, but don’t smother. A sad and sorry whimpering mess is not going entice your mate home. Quite the opposite.
Timing: Immediately

Confront your mate with what you know, how you know it, and how you feel. Confronting is not accusing, nor is it blaming or disrespectful. It is a factual statement about your suspicions, evidence, and feelings. It goes something like this, ”I know that you are spending a lot of time with/sleeping with/calling 15 times a day <use the name if you know it>. I found your cell records, saw you together, overheard you on the phone, intercepted an email (we need to talk about this before you share that piece of info), hired a PI, was told by _____. I am devastated and hurt beyond words. My world is in shambles, this will destroy our marriage. I want you to end all contact with this person and recommit to our marriage.
Timing: With the first suspicious indication and again with every one following it.

Expose the affair. This is one of the hardest things for me to convince people to do. And it is the one of the most essential moves you can make – if not the most essential. This is more important than all the things listed above. If you do those and ignore this you are enabling the affair by making it safe and easy. Affairs are addictions that flourish in the dark and hidden places. They are fantasies built on deceit – of both the exterior world and the inner consciousness of the participants. Often times it is only with exposure that affairs end.

Tell – Your family, your straying spouse’s family, your friends, his/her friends, your church family, the affair partner’s family, friends, and colleagues. Now, this is not an opportunity to bash your wayward mate or the affair partner. This is a plea for help. Here’s what you say, “ My spouse is having an affair with <use the name>. I love him/her. I want to save our marriage and keep our family together. Please encourage him or her to do the right thing, end this relationship and all contact with <affair partner> and recommit to our marriage.

It is of critical importance that you tell the spouse of the affair partner, if he or she is married. This is by far one of the quickest ways to end an affair in progress. And that is the goal of Intervention. No matter what other things you do to heal your marriage you are doomed to failure as long as the affair continues.

Often people tell me they just can’t take this step because it is “mean.” They forget to look past the immediate present and the instincts driving them to the larger picture. The Intervention Phase is not about making the straying mate feel good, it’s about Intervening in an affair in order to protect the marital union. To do that, the unfaithful partner is going to feel bad about the steps you need to take. It only makes sense – they are doing something that grievously endangers the marriage and you are trying to stop that process. If your spouse is having an affair they are caught in the web of addiction. It is up to you to step out of your comfort zone and take steps to protect the marriage from that sickness. This is not being “mean” it is honoring your commitment to your marriage.
Timing: Immediately.

Confront the affair partner. I suggest you put this in an email or a letter so that you have proof of what is said and so that there is no risk that you lose your temper. This is what you say – nothing more – avoid all judgments or threats. “I know that you are involved with my spouse. I love him/her very much and want to save my marriage and keep my family together. Your relationship with him/her is not okay. It is coming between us and is making it impossible for us to heal our marriage. Please respect our marriage and end all contact with him/her forever.”

Probably the affair partner will laugh in your face, deny anything is going on, or threaten you with a lawsuit. More on that below. The goal is not to get them to end the affair – although it would be wonderful if he or she did – the goal is to rock the affair boat, let them both know that you know, and create conflict within their relationship. If they now spend their time together talking about how evil and horrible you are, that’s great! I don’t care what the unpleasant topic of conversation is about as long as it’s unpleasant. Much better than romantic dinners and trysts. Let their ugly sides come out to play.
Timing: Immediately

Expect denial and lies. They are universal. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered someone whose spouse admitted to an affair the first time it was mentioned.

Expect extreme anger. I call it the “mushroom cloud reaction.” This is about addiction at work. It’s important to remember that when your spouse is accusing you of being insane, paranoid, controlling, destructive, etc. that they are engaging in an intimidation attempt to get you to back off. The steps of confronting and exposing pose a threat to the continued life of the addiction. Almost any addict will react with extreme defensiveness, anger, and blame. You need to remain strong (and calm!) in the face of this anger. Unlike the deep and real anger that occurs with truly wrongful acts, the anger that you see when an addiction is threatened burns out pretty quickly.

Expect threats. These range from I’m leaving and never coming back, to I’m going to take the children, kick you out of the house and leave you in ruin. Threats regarding children need to be given careful consideration, but I suggest waiting a day or so before panicking and running to an attorney. If violence is threatened or real call 911 and have your spouse removed. It’s a sobering event. (And no, that’s not “mean” either.) Most of the time, the anger burns off quickly and the threats are never carried out. If your spouse does file for divorce, don’t panic! It’s not the end of the world, or the marriage, You have plenty of time to respond. Be sure to get good advice on what to ask before hiring an attorney and on marriage saving strategies should you become embroiled in that process. (Your attorney is not trained in keeping marriages together, rely on him or her for legal advice not for marriage friendly advice.) It is optimal if you can get your Coach and your attorney to work together on strategy.

A fairly common threat that seems to be gaining in popularity is the threat that you will be sued for harassment because you contacted the affair partner. A couple of thoughts on that. First – your spouse cannot file a restraining order preventing you from contacting someone else. The person in question needs to petition for such an order and they need to show cause.
Second – a letter politely asking someone to remove themselves from your marriage is not harassment. (That’s why you put it in writing) Look at it this way– If your neighbor’s dog was coming over and ripping up your flower beds, and you sent a polite letter that said, “Your dog has been here tearing apart my flower beds every day for the last week. I really like these flowers, I spend a lot of time working in the beds. Please do what is necessary to keep Rex home,” no one in their right mind would call that harassment. This threat is nothing more than an intimidation attempt to force you to stop threatening the addiction.
Timing : Constant

Get support from someone who is educated about marriage and infidelity and who is an advocate for your marriage.
Timing: Immediately

Note that all these steps are designated as immediate in terms of timing. The most effective interventions include taking these steps as close to simultaneously as possible. Yes, I know it feels wrong. If you rely on your feelings when you try to save a marriage threatened by infidelity, you’re almost certain to become one more number in the endless stream of divorce cases filed each year. Instead, you must face the inner fears that drive your instincts and act with courage you may not feel and don’t know where to find.

The longer you allow the affair to exist unchecked, the more it takes root. Much like the weeds in my garden -- if they’re not ferreted out as soon as possible, they become next to impossible to budge. And, like the weeds in my garden, an affair becomes part of the accepted landscape. If you do not expose the affair and it comes to light slowly you lose the advantage of the disapproval factor. Friends and family may be shocked to see your mate with someone else at first but if they are like most people, they will reluctantly buy into the lie of the fairy tale love if that is the story they hear. Be proactive! Expose. Don’t allow our natural apathy to blanket the affair from conflict.

Saving your marriage is not about being nice – being nice is easy. Saving your marriage is about standing firm against the onslaught of addiction which threatens to suck you in chew you up and spit you out. Even and especially when to do so takes you far outside your own comfort zone. Staying in your comfort zone helped you get to this place: if you want out you’ll need to stretch those boundaries. Painful? Yes, very. But what’s the alternative?

Things your spouse will say as part of the addiction and which you need to disregard:

  • It’s over. There is no hope of saving the marriage.
  • I never loved you. I only married you because…
  • It’s not about <affair partner> it’s about wanting out.
  • Even if he or she was not part of the picture there would be no hope.
  • You made me do this, it’s your fault.
  • Nothing you can do can change my mind.
  • I could never feel anything for you again.
  • She/he is my soulmate.

Other myths – these are dangerous to believe:

  • The children will be fine, they get over these things.
  • I’ll give you everything if you agree to a quick divorce
  • I’ll take everything and you’ll be destitute if you don’t give me a quick divorce
  • The affair is over and we’re just friends.
  • The affair is over and we can still work together

Protection Phase – what to do when your efforts at Intervention have failed.

The Protection Phase is so called because it has multiple layers of protection all aimed at on thing, protecting the marriage. First we need to protect the betrayed partner from the continued pain of dealing with the affair. Beyond that, because the saving the marriage is our goal, we need to protect the straying partner from the inevitable backlash of anger and disrespect his or her mate will show as the affair wears on. We might all agree that the wayward spouse is in the wrong but if the goal is to save the marriage and not exact vengeance then we need to put aside our emotional reactions and keep that at the forefront of our minds. In Protection Phase we protect the marriage by separating and buffering the spouses thus preventing them from wreaking more damage by their continued attacks on each other.

Many times, in spite of best efforts and lots of support from family, friends and professionals, the best planned and executed Intervention Phase fails to halt the affair. It probably causes plenty of conflict and confusion for the affair partners, but the addiction is often so strong that they won’t break it off even when they are obviously hurting and unhappy. This is when we need to look at moving from Intervention, where you are actively faced with the affair, to Protection. And like much of the Intervention Phase, this too is counterintuitive. Next to exposure, this is the thing I have the hardest time convincing betrayed husbands and wives to do, and again one of the most crucial.

When an affair is discovered, there is usually a rush of energy and determination to do whatever it takes to ride it out and mend the marriage once it ends. But as the weeks turn to months, that energy is rapidly depleted by the sheer terror and pain of seeing your spouse in love with someone else. Your determination rapidly begins to wane and you become the greater threat to the marriage. As your emotions are bombarded day after day with the cruelty and thoughtlessness inherent in an addiction you begin to lose your love for your spouse. Worse, you find that you have moments of pure hatred when you see how he or she puts the lover ahead of the well being of your children and is willing to throw away your financial security for this interloper. The day will come, all too soon, when you decide that you’re done and that even if your spouse came to you begging for reconciliation you have lost all respect for him or her and would not consider the possibility. In the interest of your marriage, your children and yes, yourself, you need to be protected from getting to this place.

Unlike the Intervention Phase, it’s pretty straightforward, but people fight it kicking and screaming. Intervention Phase is just this: Separate entirely from your spouse. Have no contact between the two of you. None.

Yes, I know this is very difficult if you have children. One of the things we do for people at SYMC is to provide them with email intermediaries to handle emergencies along with the essential flow of information regarding children and their schedules.

When you initiate this separation you need to make an explicit statement about your commitment to the marriage and hope for reconciliation. You also need to spell out that you are not willing to continue in a relationship under these conditions but would be happy to discuss the future as soon as the affair is over.

When do you do this? As soon as you first start to feel overwhelmed with the pain of the affair. This is no time for heroics. Living too long with the pain will set into motion the conditions which will make you the threat to the marriage. For women this can be as soon as one week. Certainly not longer than 12 weeks. For men up to 6 months.

If your spouse has left the home and is living with the affair partner or on his/her own it’s most likely time. Get professional guidance from someone who specializes in infidelity management.

The Protection Phase is the time to focus on you and on getting a life. You get to do everything except date and file for divorce. Go out with your friends (same sex, advocates of your marriage), join a club, take up a new hobby…. This is the time to detach from the pain of the affair. The time to put the marriage on the back burner and to take care of yourself and your children.

The affair will most likely end, just like 90 to 95% of all affairs do. If you did the right things in the Intervention Phase, it will end sooner. When that happens, you need to be strong and healthy if you are going to be able to work through the Reconciliation and Recovery Phases.

Volunteer Profile:

Our volunteers are incredible and they are what make SYMC so special. It is the dedication of these men and women who are willing to share their resources with others that allows us to realize the scope of our vision – To change the face of how marriages are healed.

I am committed to giving giving recognition and credit where it is due and to allowing people’s accomplishments to shine. So as I was thinking about this newsletter I was struck with the thought that this is a perfect place to brag about our volunteers and the work they do.

This month I want to tell you about Carol. Carol is an amazing bundle of intelligence, energy, passion and drive. Not to mention that she is whiz with computers and that her typing skills can be described as something like “faster than a speeding bullet.”

Carol is one of the SYMC School of Coaching Mentors which means she has passed the first part of the rigorous marriage focus of the curriculum and she is actively working as a volunteer mentor with couples in crisis. I am honored to have someone who cares so passionately about marriage as part of this program. Carol is a wonderfully gifted writer with a knack for parable type stories illustrating different aspects of marriage. You’ll see much of her work when our discussion forum goes live in just a few weeks.

And speaking of the discussion forum, Carol is responsible for the behind the scenes work you see there. The sum of my knowledge about an online forum is how to click the “reply” and “post” buttons. Everything you’ll see from the colors to the formatting to all the stuff I don’t even begin to understand is Carol’s amazing work. She sends me emails about the latest and greatest features she’s added and all I can do is smile and nod – even the simplest descriptions of it are beyond me. It is because of her work and dedication that we will be able to reach many more couples in need.

Like all of our volunteers Carol is multi talented and juggles her home and professional life along with the time she gives so generously to SYMC.

Thanks, Carol.

VISION OF THE VILLAGE

This is an excerpt of the class notes I sent out following our Teleclass Join the Village All Call For Volunteers – If you are so moved to join us in this vision email Sharon, our Volunteer Coordinator at volunteer@symcinc.com we’d love to have you!

My Vision:
To create a network, a Village, across the globe that will advocate for and sustain marriages in crisis and in the process of healing. To change the face of how marriages are healed.

Every member of this Village is as valuable and necessary as the other. The person who offers to help transition a child from school to daycare one time is every bit as integral a part of the Village as the person standing in the forefront holding the sword and crying in the wilderness. Every great movement needs leaders and those in the spotlight, but without the quiet movers and workers in the background the leader is nothing more than entertainment. Without the leader the quiet workers have no direction. All are needed and every one is as vitally essential as the other. Your gifts, talents and skills are needed, welcomed and appreciated whether you are itching to make waves and take the lead or would prefer to stay in the background and provide moral support.

What can you do?

Immediate and definite formal opportunities:
We need you!!
Email Intermediaries
Moderators
Volunteer Coordinator
PR Opportunities
Your suggestions – what are you good at, what would you like to do?
Brainstorming ways to reach out:
Be sure to check out our new bulletin board to see how we are coordinating this – coning soon!
Vehicles
Carpentry, mechanical, clerical, career or other skills
Grant research and writing
Not for Profit status – research and initiate
Cash to non-profit to assist spouses who are financially abandoned and in immediate need of help. Until then – cash donation to individuals you know – if you don’t know any, call me, I do.
Temp housing for those who need to separate due to abuse or addiction including infidelity
Child care
Advocacy – Speak up reach out!!!

Project Speak Up Reach Out!!
When someone is having an affair
When seeing infidelity glamorized in the media
When you know someone’s marriage is in trouble. Offer resources.
Take a stand against divorce and the myth that says kids and adults adjust and do fine afterwards.
Tell others (everyone!) about SYMC and the Village – encourage them to join the vision

We can’t do this alone. But every time someone lights a candle that shines hope and advocacy into the darkness we grow the Village. We reach out hands and hearts to others who are in need and we offer the resources to heal marriages and family. Each person who lights that candle extends the circle of hope until we will eventually light the globe. I can’t do this, but you can. My hope is to inspire you with the courage and the inspiration to Join the Village in whatever way calls to your heart.

SYMC can be the focus, the place couples come to in crisis, but only with a Village can we offer them what they really need. My vision is that someday I will know someone in every corner of the planet who can be there for someone in crisis. Whether that be in the tiny town of Prescott or somewhere in Africa (geography not my strong suit).

Books are a great resource and I intend to write many. But people who are hurting, confused and alone want and need the personal touch that only another human being can give. With that, they need shelter and refuge and very real help. It’s time to rock the boat of our own comfort zones and examine our commitment to marriage and family. Is it deep enough and strong enough to take real and perhaps scary action?

This is a quote from something I wrote to one of my Advisors when we were discussing the roles of mentors and coaches, I will leave you with that now.

“No one changes the world or makes an impact by isolating themselves behind socially acceptable apathy and fear of risk… saving lives or marriages or communities is not about using the correct “procedure” … it’s about really truly putting your essesnce into what you do. It’s about love in the greatest sense of the word.”

Other Resources:

eNewsletters:
Oct 2002/ Honesty
Nov 2002 / Time
Dec 2002 / Compatibility
Jan 2003 / Romance
Mar 2003 / Infidelity Part I Discovery and Dynamics
Apr 2003 / Infidelity Part II Exposing, Confronting, Separating
May 2003 / Infidelity Part III Recovery
Sep 2003 / Conversation
Oct 2003 / Internal Shift
Jan 2004 / Volunteer
Feb 2004 / Infidelity Overview

Infidelity Resources:
www.symcinc.com
www.dearpeggy.com
www.marrriagebuilders.com
www.shirleyglass.com
www.sexhelp.com (Sexual addiction information)

Not Just Friends Shirley Glass 2003
Surviving An Affair Willard F. Harley Jr. PhD 1998 Revel
In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Online Compulsive Sexual Behavior Patrick Carnes et al Hazelden

If you would like one on one assistance in implementing these concepts into your marriage call me at 1.877.416.2657

Check out the Coaching Center

Be sure to visit www.symcinc.com for archived copies of the eNewsletter. Changes and additions to the site taking place as you read this!!!

Did You Know?

Infidelity affects an estimated 80% of marriages in the US?

That statistic comes from Peggy Vaughn, author of The Monogamy Myth, in 1989. I suspect that given the passage of time, those numbers are even higher today.

What that means in terms of day to day life, if you are at a gathering with 10 other couples, 8 of those will be struggling with infidelity in their marriage.

Most marriages do not end in divorce because of an affair. Rather they end in divorce when the conditions which led to the affair in the first place are not addressed.

Need Help Now?

If you are dealing with infidelity in your marriage, or if you suspect that your partner may be having an affair, I can help you find your way back to a healthy marriage. Call me at 1.877.416.2657

Free follow up phone coaching session with paid initial consult

© Penny R. Tupy, Marriage and Relationship Coach
February 2004

Your feedback always welcome and encouraged!!! Thanks for reading. PRT
Coachville logoiac logo
Website design and
development by
Rachel Hirsch