For a long time this page was blank. I got more than few emails from people telling me they'd visited the site and found the emptiness of the Success Stories page a bit disconcerting. I can't say that I would see it any differently.

 

And yet.

 

The lack of stories posted here has had far more to do with deciding how to define "success" than it has with number of stories. Do we define success as marriages that stay together? Tha seems pretty successful to me. But any of us in recovery know that recovery is one day at a time - that adds a layer to what we call success.

 

What about marriages that appear to end? Sometimes that ending is a pathway to an enormous amount of healing. Do we call that a failure? I have a hard time with that. And, as anyone who's been around marriage work knows, a marriage that looks, today, as if it's ended can and often does surprise all of us by resurrecting later.

 

Sometimes couples stay together when they shouldn't. I'm not  advocating for, nor do I ever, ending a marriage but sometimes a separation is essential for safety and healing reasons. A separation can be a success when people use that time to do their own work in order to be able to create a marriage that is safe, healthy, nurturing, secure, ethical, and compassionate. 

 

And then there is the entire issue of taking credit for success. I firmly believe that couples and families who succeed do so because of their own hard work. I can, and do, expand their understanding of the dynamics that create and feed stuckness (to coin a word) in their relationship. I can, and do, give them excellent tools for creating success. But in the end it is their work that tells the tale. Couples and families that succeed are those who do the hard work of personal and marital change. It's really their success stories far more than mine. 

 

So, while I turned all that over in my head, this page stayed blank.  I can't say with any conviction that I've resolved the question of how we define success - so at last I decided to share some stories of different kinds of success and let you decide for yourself.

 

All names and identifying information are changed for privacy.

 

Andrew and Sandy have been married for 12 years. They live in the midwest. They have two rambunctious but delightful boys. They both work outside the home and they struggle with all the stress and chaos of modern day living. They came to me when anger and job stress became too big to ignore any longer. It was tearing them apart. We worked creating couple time, eliminating some of the job stresses, finding a new job, and on negotiating issues in a calm and courteous fashion. They spent some time working with an SYMC mentor as well. More than a year after leaving coaching they are married, happy (most days), and engaged in creating a loving and caring home.

 

David and Janice live in southern California. The came to me after she had an affair with a work colleague. Both were committed to the marriage but they struggled with resentment spanning all the years of the marriage - it came to a head with her affair. In coaching we worked on staying in the present, owning their own issues, home and work issues, and the multi years' resentment. David and Janice participated in the Compassion Power Series of classes offered through the SYMC School of Coaching. This was a transformative process for them. When last I heard they were deeply engaged in marriage and family, working toward healing, and very much at peace.

 

Sherri and  Manny live in the southwest.  He's a video game creator and all around techno geek. She's an old fashioned girl. They spark off each other - not always positively. They have no children.  Manny struggled with porn and the possibility of sexual addiction. Sherri blamed herself. This couple is walking the difficult and sometimes frightening road of recovery - one day at a time.  With SYMC they have been encouraged to explore 12 step groups, emotional regulation, and other healing paths. 

 

Mark and Anna are high powered executives in the world of online business. They have twin girls. In the mid 90's he decided he didn't want to be married any longer. They separated amicably and were ready to divorce when she decided to fight for her marriage. That was when she discovered his (long term) affair. They counseled with another professional for a while - and decided to stay together. They were married roommates when they came to SYMC. Today they report  being contentedly, happily,married. They recently celebrated  a landmark anniversary and are looking forward to many more.

 

Aaron and Denise tried the polyamory lifestyle. They joined an online poly group and even attended a few local events. Aaron had a couple of liaisons with women he met through the local chapter. Denise got involved with a fellow birdwatching enthusiast. Life began to fall apart.  We spent some time discussing the difference between an ethical polyamorous model and infidelity. We all agreed they needed to remove all outside influences from their lives and their marriage. With a lot of heartache and a trememdous dedication to healing and recovery they are now happily monogomous with a stronger marriage than ever before. They've decided that a multi partner lifestyle is not for them.

 

Devon is in his late forties. His marriage ended three years ago after his wife's affair with work colleague. Through the process of discovering her affair and the subsequent divorce Devon realized the need to address and heal his own inner hurts. From a controlling and often angry man he has become kind, gentle, compassionate, and open. The change has been most noticable in his dealings with his teenage daughter, whom he coparents with his ex wife. Devon's divorce was nearly finished when he came to SYMC. Although  we didn't have the opportunity to provide him with all our infidelity resources we were very instrumental in his current healing. Healing that has played a large part in his ability to interact with grace and compassion in his dealings with his former spouse. Although this isn't what one hopes for when we speak of success stories it is indeed part of what being successful is all about.

 

There are many more stories just like these. People who are lost and confused and hurting and in need of intelligent, caring, practical guidance. When they take what we give them to heart and make real change in their lives success can't help but follow. 

 

And finally - here is a letter I received from a former client who enrolled in a class offered through the SYMC School of Coaching...

 

This is one of many heartwarming letters I get. They make my day. Not because I did something extraordinary but because I was able in some small way to hand someone the tools for creating an intentional, joyful, nurturing marriage.  The real hero of this story is the woman who wrote it. She was brave enough to face her inner self,  work the magic of healing, and to allow her marriage to heal as well.

 

 

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